I grew up in a Finnish family in which Christianity was apparent mainly on church holidays. Even from my childhood, I remember moments when it felt like something was missing from our lives. At six years old, I joined a parish children’s choir, so the worship service became familiar to me. I attended the confirmation school organized by our parish. There, emphasis was placed on pleasant togetherness, and we memorized religious prayers, the creed, and other texts. Around those times, some of my friends began dating and experimenting with kissing and other forms of sexual behavior. This confused me. I wasn’t yet ready for that sort of things. I began to fixate on my own weight and body. I also watched the sex-saturated music videos on television in which the message was that a woman had to be desirable.
A positively unusual girl
After my matriculation exams, I moved to another city to study. In my class group there were many nice young people, but one who clearly stood out from the rest was Karoliina, who was an unusual girl. She never attended the student parties, but she seemed to have many friends and a lot to do anyway. She also had a peaceful, honest, and direct gaze and many meaningful words. I, for my part, suffered from loneliness. Life seemed difficult, empty, and meaningless.
Karoliina played the piano in the school basement. She had a skill for making music cry and laugh, which touched me. I remember one night when we talked about faith matters. She told me about God’s Word as a two-edged sword that reveals sin to be sin, but at the same time pardons. I was spellbound. Karoliina knew so much about the Bible. I also felt some fear when I realized that I had not yet been forgiven for my sins. If what she said was true, eternal suffering was awaiting me if I were to die. However, I still wanted to believe that everyone goes to heaven, as I had been told.
I graduated and returned to my hometown to work. I was restless and I prayed a lot. I also attended spiritual events at the Pentecostal congregation, among others. I went to a gospel-style concert where people jumped and danced wildly to the beat of the music. It didn’t make me feel good. My friend didn’t believe in God. She laughed at my ponderings and said that she believes only in herself. One time I got so upset that I went out into the dark running along the road. I prayed to God that he would accept me as his own and show me the right path.
A way to the services
One summer, I received a phone call from Karoliina. She called me from summer services. It was a confusing call. The sound of voices through loudspeakers and the singing of hymns in the background were foreign to me. Karoliina sounded calm, relaxed, and happy. She invited me to come to the summer services. I promised to come sometime, although I felt sad that I didn’t feel worthy of going there.
After a couple of years I decided to apply for further education in the city where I had formerly studied. Already in the first days I recognized a group of girls that I remembered Karoliina hanging out with. I wished that I could become like them. One day after class some of these girls asked me to come to services with them that evening. I got scared and lied that I had something else and couldn’t come. The following week they asked me again, and I lied again. The third time I couldn’t lie anymore and I had to go with them. Terrified, I wondered what they would do there to me, a sinner. In my mind I prepared a list of sins. In fear and shame I steeled myself to tell them in front of the congregation so that they would accept me into their group. I was also scared that I wouldn’t remember all of my sins.
Living faith – a personal gift
When I opened the door of the church, the first one to meet me was a little child. The atmosphere was calm and peaceful. People were singing a beautiful hymn in the sanctuary. My eyes became moist and I felt like I had come home. We sat on the bench. No one stared at me angrily or expected me to do anything. The sermon included the assurance that sins were forgiven. It seemed unbelievable that I could have my sins forgiven without doing anything, for free. It was an experience of love that I had not experienced in my life. On the way home, before we parted, I asked the girls if it was truly possible that I could have my sins forgiven. They blessed me with the gospel of forgiveness again. At that moment white snow began to fall from the heavens onto the dark ground. I was happy and relieved.
While bicycling home I repeated the miracle in my mind—I am a child of God. I called home and told them what had happened to me. I believed that my whole family would also partake of this good fortune, once I just tell them about it. My relatives were shocked and suspected that someone had brainwashed me. They were concerned about my life and asked me many things—like, did I still have curtains on my windows, did I now plan to give all my money to charity, or whether I would go about with a headscarf on my head. I replied in amazement that living faith is not like that. Later on, a few near ones called me in concern and even in anger and said that I had understood everything wrong.
I tried to explain to them that God is not harsh but forgiving. This is the greatest gift that a person can receive! I am now fortunate, for my eyes have opened: a person needs to repent and have sins forgiven to become acceptable to God. But they didn’t understand. In those days I was both happy and quite sad. I had lost close human relationships. It happened, as it says in the Bible: one must leave his father and mother and all for God.
Struggling and joy
At first, beginning this journey wasn’t easy. At times it felt like I would never be able to live like the believers. However, the promise of Scripture came true for me: “But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become children of God” (John 1:12). I gained many friends and the whole congregation of God almost as if they were a new family of mine, and thus Jesus’ promise on Mark 10:29-30 was fulfilled. Other believers became close and dear to me.
Some of the manners of the believers felt unfamiliar to me. For example, greeting with “God’s Peace” seemed strange. After it was explained to me that it meant having peace in God, I felt a great joy that I was at peace in God. Going to services was wonderful; I had never heard such speeches. Sometimes I listened to the sermon so closely that I would almost know it by heart. The story of the Good Samaritan was especially dear to me. I thought it was just like my story.
I left behind many things from my earlier life. I put the TV into the closet the first night. Worldly music, dances, and parties had felt bad even earlier. Now I came to know why. But not everything was as easy. I used to get my eyelashes dyed. Once I noticed that the believing girls didn’t use any makeup. I was afraid to give up using makeup because I believed I looked ugly without it. In discussions with other believers even this matter was revealed. I felt liberated when I realized that I’m fine exactly as God has created me. And indeed, I was actually more beautiful without makeup! I further realized that I don’t have to please anyone or look desirable in men’s eyes. I felt free and equal with men.
Later on, by God’s leading, I found a believing husband who has been my journey companion. Since the beginning days, my life in faith has become more everyday in nature, and I have learned more about God’s kingdom. My parents and siblings now accept me and my family’s faith. I have received many gifts that I wouldn’t have ever expected to receive. As I write this, I am holding our fifth baby on my lap. We have experienced the Heavenly Father’s great blessing and guidance in everything.
Pseudonym: Snowflake
Image: Credits: iStock
Read how repentance is defined in the Bible
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