When I was a young adult my parents separated from each others. This was a difficult thing for me. Maybe at that time I began to wonder more deeply about life and the afterlife.
Later through my work I met some people who were somehow different from the rest. After making home visits to them, I wondered where we had actually been. My workmate told me that they were one of those believing families who are called Laestadians in Finland. Quite often, in these homes, the entryway was full of shoes. This spoke to me. I was amazed that we were always nicely welcomed, and that these people had time to chat in the midst of their everyday chores. We were offered coffee and even meals.
From fear to peace
A real fear of death had come over me. Even alcohol didn’t settle my mind, and I couldn’t escape my fear. It felt like eyes were following me all the time. I began to understand that I had lived in an entirely different way than the Bible instructs. I realized that in this condition I would perish. I believed in the Son of God, but not right from my heart. I went to a church sometimes and talked with people there who I believed were believers. They instructed me to just stay where I was at the time. To do good, not evil. This advice didn’t bring me peace.
I got to know a believing person, and I asked him why he behaved a bit differently from other people. The number of his children spoke to me especially. I pondered why someone would want to live in such a difficult way. This person didn’t speak badly of others and didn’t swear. He clearly stood out from other people. I thought he must have some kind of resource that a person couldn’t just pick up from pharmacy shelves. He answered by explaining how he believed and what kind of conviction he had. He explained it very simply.
I told him how I was feeling like someone was following me the whole time. He asked me if I felt bad. I burst into tears and said that I truly feel terrible. I told him that I numbed myself to this bad feeling. I have an open grave in front of me; I can’t cope. He asked me if I wanted to have my sins forgiven. I wanted to. It seemed to me that there was no other option. I had gone through this matter in my mind for so long that when I got to answer such a simple question, I grabbed the chance.
I understood that this person himself didn’t give that forgiveness, even though he spoke the words. Something greater happened there. I wish that I could explain with words what it was. Great relief came over me.
One of the God’s crowd
I was invited to services. I thought, of course I’ll go, but at the same moment another thought appeared questioning how will I get through all of this. When I was trying to find my way to the church, my Nissan passed the crossing six times. I choked back tears and finally I got strength to turn the steering wheel into the parking lot of the church. I had an extremely strong longing to go to services to listen to God’s word. A man standing out there saw my joy and understood that someone had found the kingdom of God. “Welcome!” he said.
After services I thought about the place where they were held. I realized that the church was just a building, merely a tool in all of this. The borders of God’s kingdom run from heart to heart. I was feeling so good. I felt like shouting to others in the entrance hall: “Please don’t leave!” I marveled that God’s kingdom could be found so simply on earth, and that outside God’s house there is no salvation.
I only understand a little of the Bible, but I quickly understood the portions that tell about receiving the grace of repentance. Even Nicodemus, the great teacher, wondered how a person could enter his mother’s womb and be born again. It is not opened by reason. This is truly a child’s faith.
Someone asked me: “Tell me simply what has happened to you when you have changed so much.” I answered by asking: “How have I supposedly changed?” He said that the change can be clearly seen. I said that this faith is the same as that of Jesus’ disciples. The disciples were given the Holy Spirit and the power to preach the forgiveness of sins. When a person’s sins are forgiven or when they are bound in their sins here on earth, they are forgiven or bound at the same time in heaven too. The gospel has traveled by foot throughout time. I have told this to those who have been wondering, but if there are barriers of reason, a person doesn’t understand it.
Faith is personal
As a believer I try to understand those unbelieving ones close to me. The faith is personal. In my family I can believe freely and live with a joyful mind. My wife understands that believing is not a matter of reason. We have two wonderful daughters. I wish that their childhood faith would be preserved in their hearts. I have told them to come and talk with me when their conscience feels bad, so I can preach them the forgiveness of sins. It is a great gift that forgiveness of sins is offered even at home. Sometimes the girls ask me, “Dad, why do you do that?” and “Why don’t you want to watch this TV show, or do you watch it a little bit?” I have said that I don’t watch it because it gives me a restless feeling.
Some people think they will get a good reward after death through their own good deeds. It is sad to watch from the sidelines when they block out the light of grace and trust in their own works to become acceptable to God instead. Oh, how hopeless is the road of one’s own works!
I am working with a cordless drill at the construction site of the church extension. It feels like I should nudge the believer next to me and say, ‘We should talk about that most important matter.’ I would like to ask the mate who has been a believer since his childhood if he has thought about what kind of treasure he has hiding beneath his breastbone. When you have come from the world, you wonder how some young people dare to leave this kingdom and go there. They are like aspen leaves in a storm. It is vital that we care for one another, but most important is that each of us cares for their own conscience.
Author: Kari Mattila
Image: Marielle Raappana, credits: SRK
Read how repentance is defined in the Bible
Watch: Personal video stories about finding the Kingdom of God